On My Way Home...

Talk with bishop

2009-11-17T05:10:50Z

Dear Journal,

I just spoke with the bishop this evening about my Life Decision. The worst part is over with. I've told my family and the bishop. I'll be released from my calling, he said. This feels almost unreal, like I never thought I would actually be actually doing this. This decision was not something I arrived at overnight. It was years in the making. I have to have faith that The Lord will help me through this somewhat difficult time and lead me to be the person He would like me to be. The only difference is that The Church is not a part of it. That's ok! Just because I am choosing not to attend church, doesn't mean I'm turning my back on God. Believe me, I know what that feels like; I've done it in the past before (if only for a couple months). When you're in that kind of mindset, you're very angry and resentful towards The Lord. You have unkind feelings toward undeserving people. This is completely different. This choice is to help me figure out what I really want out of life. The purpose of it is to help me be 100% confident of how I'm living my life. Being active in The Church did not fulfill that value of mine.

I have been a people-pleaser for my whole life. I have finally made a decision for myself that was hard to make because of the people I thought of that would be saddened by it. I hope one day, people will see that I am a happy, fulfilled person. Maybe that will set their hearts to rest.

I'll be honest though. I'm scared of what comes next. There's no map or instructions for this course. That is why I need to rely on The Lord even MORE. HE will lead me in the right direction.

Major Change

2009-11-16T06:03:00Z

Dear Journal,

My life is quickly starting to change drastically. To bring you up to speed, I have finally made the choice to not go to church anymore. I have this image in my head of how someone is supposed to be when they leave The Church. They are supposed to start drinking alcohol, going to wild raves, and hanging out with the “wrong crowd”. This does not describe me at all. I really want to be close to God still, I just want to turn away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Will my choice be final? Maybe. Will my choice be temporary? Maybe. I really don’t know, but I think that’s totally ok.

I have been making some of my life choices to please other people. For instance, I chose to go on a mission not because I really wanted to go, but because I wanted to make my parents proud. I got my Patriarchal Blessing when I was 16 not because I felt I was ready, but because my parents wanted me to. Now that I am living alone in a different state, I feel it is easier for me to make my own life choices that are worth more to me…..because I am making them for me and only me. Am I going to make some mistakes down the road? Of course! Who doesn’t? The point of the matter is that I am making this decision regardless of how difficult is may be. I’ve already told my parents about it. I’ve told a couple of my close friends, too. If my reasons for being inactive in The Church were not major, would I be putting myself through all of this? My reasons are valid, although I cannot list all of them here. They’ve been building up over the past couple years and I finally feel ready to take charge of my life and where it is going.

The purpose of me leaving The Church is to grow closer to God. Some may find that statement a little contradictory, but I really feel I can grow closer to Him without The Church. I really do. And please believe me when I say it’s not all about “being gay”. That would be such a shallow reason to leave. My decision is more complicated than that. It has to do with some of the doctrine, leadership, social aspects, and history too.

This was a very tough decision to make because being Mormon has been a part of my identity. Now that I would not like to be identified with their faith anymore, I feel a hole inside myself. This is because I’ve changed something about myself that has stayed constant for years and years. Lady Gaga says that every time you change something about yourself or turn away from a piece of your past, you must mourn it like a death. I am wondering how I am going to go through the mourning process; it has to happen. It would be unhealthy if I didn’t. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

So what does this change “look like”? Well, I will stop going to church in Sundays and participate in FHE or other activities/meetings. I have stopped wearing my garments and went shopping for regular underwear and undershirts. I will not go to the temple anymore (my recommend expired this month). Those are the things that I can think of right now.

My friend Amber says that it will take a couple weeks to get used to it. I am still going to be my same perky, lovable self. I do not believe that just because I have chosen to not attend church, that my personality or values will change. That is what makes me….me. The only things that are changing are my personal beliefs. It’s easy to change your hair color or style of clothes, but it takes a lot of thought and courage to change your personal beliefs. Like I said before, it was not an easy decision, but it is something that I have to do.

My only request to God is that my true friends will stay by me so that I can have support through this time in my life. I would do the same for them.

OMG!

2009-11-11T19:09:48Z

Dear Journal,

My COUSIN is GAY and we BOTH came out to EACH OTHER! OMG! My so-called LIFE is CHANGING right before my EYES! HOLY CRAP!

BAD DAY

2009-11-03T05:53:34Z

Dear Journal,

TODAY WAS HORRIBLE AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK.

Some days....

2009-11-01T04:49:16Z

Dear Journal,

Some days, like today, I think that I only stay a member of The Church out of fear of what other people will think. What would some of the converts I taught on my mission in Arizona think? Would my leaving The Church be telling them they made the wrong decision for their life? What will my parents think? Would my leaving The Church be rejecting the years they spent teaching me what they felt to be true? What will my BYU friends think? Would my leaving The Church make our relationship uncomfortable and awkward?

It wouldn't be an easy decision in the first place. I wish I didn't care so much about other people's thoughts and feelings.

Regret

2009-11-01T04:42:30Z

Dear Journal,

Every day, I regret voting yes on Prop 8 almost one year ago. I was at BYU when the elections were going on. I listened to both sides and I was still confused. I was torn by what The Church was teaching and by what my heart was telling me. In the end, I voted out of fear. My priesthood leaders warned us that anybody who votes no on Prop 8 would be considered an apostate. People who felt differently were scared to speak up. Yes on Prop 8 booths and flyers were being handed out everywhere on campus, but there was not a single No on Prop 8 advertisement. Why? Because that would be going against The Church and whoever instigated it would probably have their academic standing compromised for "preaching false doctrine".

The opportunity came and went. I'm sure Prop 8 would have still passed even if I had voted against it, but I am not legally considered a Californian anymore. I live in Oregon. If another proposition concerning the status of gay marriage gets brought up to California again, I will not have the opportunity to vote. I lost my chance to make my true voice heard.

Not a single day goes by when I feel the ache of regret for my ignorant and fearful choice. I let The Church decide how I was going to act instead of making the choice for myself. I guess this is just an apology for not making the right choice when I had the chance. I'm sorry California for not making the right choice.

If I could take it back and vote differently, I would. Please forgive me.

Bad night

2009-10-30T03:53:59Z

Dear Journal,

One of my classroom aids is a very sugary-motherly type and it makes me sick. Sure she's nice and kind, but when she wants to feel my forehead to see if I'm running a temperature, that's going a little too far. Working with women all day really reinforces my philosophy that a heterosexual marriage will not work for me. I like to come home to an empty apartment where I can relax, have some peace and quiet, and not have to talk to anyone.

I am completely fine by myself, and no peer-pressuring Church members will ever change my mind.

This is my life!

2009-08-15T19:57:18Z

Dear Journal,

This guy in my new ward asked me to hang out with him. I felt so excited when he asked me! We've seen each other a couple of times over the past two weeks. He is really cool. I felt very validated when he (A GUY!) actually asked ME to hang out with him. He must have seen something in me that made him want to do that. It really made me feel good.

The biggest difference between a couple years ago and now is that I feel more comfortable being myself around people. Of course I see the stares from across the room. I'm sure people wonder about me, but I honestly couldn't care less. I love being who I am. I have a job with a supervisor and LEA who sincerely appreciate me. I have a beautiful apartment that I can come home to. I think it is easier to love myself now that I am living my Life Dream of being a Special Educator. I used to feel like I had no control over my life. I would go to school, where I would be at the mercy of my teachers and professors. I would have tons of homework that I really didn't want to do. But everything has changed! I am in complete control of my life!

I chose to find a job and move up to Oregon.

I chose to go to the single's ward.

I feel very powerful. Of course, just because I feel powerful doesn't necessarily mean I am prideful. There is a difference. I constantly thank The Lord for the wonderful blessings and opportunities He has given me. I feel so richly blessed. Things are finally very bright for my future and it feels really good.

It's funny. How can getting a job and living on my own validate myself as a man? I don't know, but it sure is.

Late night ramblings

2009-07-22T05:28:04Z

Dear Journal,

CRAP. I have this really deep desire to be with a man right now. It's not just a sexual desire; it's an emotional one, too. I am weak and I know it. God knows it. Sometimes I hate being gay because I feel this attraction is completely misunderstood by the leaders of The Church and the general public. It is really easy to become bitter when dealing with this. I've taken that dark road in the past. I am glad I had the strength to put myself in check and change my perspective. Now that I think about it, our perspective is constantly changing, isn't it? We are never really the same person for our whole lives.

Things always happen for a reason, don't they? I just have to find out what that reason is. I just wish the confusion inside of me would stop. I would like to have a firm knowledge of what I need to do regarding my SSA and just go for it. I'm getting a little sick of me making a decision and then doubting it a year or two later. It is unsettling.

Goodnight.

Young love?

2009-07-20T16:17:30Z

Dear Journal,

Lance and Linda from my home ward are getting MARRIED!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! There are soooooo many things that are wrong with this:

1. Lance just got back from his mission, like, two months ago. Seriously, it takes at least six months for someone to adapt to *real life* after their mission. I went through it! All of my friends have gone through it! Lance has not! He still wears huge, ugly polyester ties for crying out loud! Those are only cool on your mission! One of the many pieces of evidence that Lance has some major adapting to do.

2. Linda is 19 years old. She's still a teenager! She graduated high school last year! If I got married when I was 19, I would have missed out on some incredible friendships and experiences. You're still trying to find out who you are and what you want to do with your life. It would be a major shame to have to go through those deep, developing experiences while being married. What if she grows up and realizes Lance isn't what she really wants? And I can use the phrase "grows up" here because she's nineteen years old!!

3. They only dated for a year while Linda was in high school before Lance left on his mission. Seriously folks. I would hardly say that a year of high school dating makes someone seriously ready for marriage. My mom was like, "Oh, but she wrote to him on his mission." I replied, "Well, that's not dating, Mom. That's just distracting."

4. Neither of them have been to college yet. Hellooooooo! College is not like high school where you can leave it at the door, go home, and chill out. College is a way of life. You have classes spread out all throughout the day, you have papers and major exams to worry about, and you're literally pooped out come nightfall. I just don't see how newlyweds can handle being married in college. They spend barely any time together and when they do, it's a quick lunch in the Cougar Eat before one of them has to jet off to class. I've said this before in one of my past entries: It seems like engaged couples feel they aren't loving each other hard enough unless they are spending every free, waking moment together:

Finding each other in between their hectic class schedule just to hold hands.

Kissing during Sacrament Meeting (THIS HAPPENS, TRUST ME. I'VE SAT BEHIND THEM BEFORE!)

Studying two completely subjects together in the library.

Ugh!!! I think this is bothering me so much because the whole situation is just dripping with conservative Mormon stereotypes. I fear that some young people in The Church get married so quickly after high school or their mission because "that's what they're supposed to do". Give yourself some time people! Tap the brakes and slow down!

Oh, Happy Day!

2009-07-09T17:30:37Z

Dear Journal,

I WAS HIRED TO BE A SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER IN MEDFORD, OREGON!!! Oh, I feel such a great sense of relief right now. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Along with how the job atmosphere will be, I am interested to see how I adapt to living completely on my own. There is a temple in Medford, so I think I'll be around wonderful Church members. How blessed I feel right now.

Praise Heavenly Father. He truly knows what is best for us. THANK YOU!

We're everywhere

2009-06-26T18:09:02Z

Dear Journal,

Yesterday, I went into Oakland to meet my friend Melody for lunch at Fenton's. We had a good time, minus the fact that I was an hour late. Apparently since I have no job, I never know what day it really is. The reason why I'm talking about this is because I wanted to share the experience I had with our waiter:

Melody and I sat down at our table. About a minute later, our waiter comes over and greets us. I say hello and as I look up to meet his eyes, I was taken back. I noticed the waiter kind of blinked too, like he was processing the same thing I was. It's really weird to say it, but we somehow *knew* that the other was gay. In, like, five seconds? Is that even possible? I don't know how. It's not like I have a sign posted around my neck or anything. I'm also pretty selective about who knows about that part of me (besides an anonymous journal spanning the Internet, that is). ;-) It was a totally weird situation, but as I think about it, I felt completely comfortable about the whole thing. Poor Melody. She doesn't know a thing. Hahahahaha.

I think homosexuality is more prominent than what people would like to think. And by "homosexuality" in this context, I mean "those who have feelings of attraction to the same gender". I've heard that in a typical ward, there are at least five people with homosexual attractions. One of my friends told me it's a 1:5 ratio. Whatever. That actually sounds a little ridiculous. I don't really care about the numbers, but it's interesting to think that although some people might think of homosexuality as being an "outside issue" that's not around them, one of their friends just might be dealing with this. It's closer to home than one might think. We're *everywhere*. :-)

Some of my friends know about me. A few of them are convinced that the only way I'll be happy is to date men. Others are indifferent or we never really talk about it unless in casual one-on-one conversations. My perspective? This is the reality of how I feel. I am attracted to men. So what? That doesn't mean I'm going to do anything about it that would jeopardize my good standing in The Church. I take my feelings for what they are. It's a tremendously good feeling when you are attracted to someone. I just don't see any need to try to stifle those feelings and deny that they exist. That's not healthy. My attractions are not going to damn my eternal progression. Sinful actions? Yes. But for now, all I have are my feelings.

They're all I've got.

Maybe I should start workin' the corner to get some money...

2009-06-25T06:48:31Z

Dear Journal,

I was curious today, so I did a little detective work. After a couple Facebook messages, I was shocked to find out that the school districts I interviewed with didn't even contact any of the references that I gave them! This makes me really frustrated. When I was going to those interviews, I put together an organized folder with my resume, references, and contact information. I was constantly complimented on my professionalism and organization. Ugh, I don't see why they don't just do what they say they will. "Oh yeah, we will contact your references and then get back to you about our final decision." they say.

Lies!

They have done neither. They have left me hanging. I feel like they're not even giving me a chance. I know, I know an interview means a lot because not everybody gets that chance, but when I drive 10 hours up to Oregon, stay in a cheap motel with cash out of my own pocket, and arrive early to my interviews wearing my best clothing, I would just hope that they would use all of the information that I gave them to make a well-educated decision. I really don't like un-professionalism, especially when it hurts my future.

When I told my Dad all of this today, he casually mentioned that he and Mom both had hoped that I would have had a job by now. Me too. "I'm having a lot of trouble finding work lately and paying your $400/mo. insurance isn't easy. I don't know what we'll do..." he said. My foot started to twitch when he was telling me that. After sitting on the couch for a few moments, I had to go upstairs and close my bedroom door. Even though I'm 24, I still can't seem to handle whenever my parents bring up their finances....mostly because it's always negative. I've felt like a burden my whole life. It was a little easier in college because I was away from home, away from the stress. But now I'm back and there's no other place to go.

It's been really hot outside lately. I see my Dad get home from work.

Dirty.

Tired.

I try to serve him and make up for the years that I didn't appreciate his hard work for our family: offer him water, cook meals, keep the house clean. But I feel the greatest thing I could do for both him and my mother is to get hired for a teaching position and start earning money for myself. I have applied to over 20 jobs in Oregon. I have had a couple interviews with "interested" school districts, but like I shared before, nothing seems to work.

I actually applied to some teaching jobs in Utah today. I didn't think it would come to this. I have been fighting it since I graduated in December. I've shared with my parents that although Utah is a nice, clean place, I cannot stand the conservative culture there. It's very encompassing. I feel like there's an underlying curiosity about whether someone is a member of The Church or not. I also told my parents that I feel I keep my high standards when I am in an environment that has lower standards than me. I know that sounds kind of weird, but it's true. My friend Dylan, who graduated in psychology, thinks I have grown up with the feeling that I am "different" than everybody else. True. He said I might be transferring that into where I live. If I live in a place where "Mormon values" are around every corner, I might feel more inclined to "be different" and make some wrong choices. However, if I live in a more liberal environment, I may be more likely to hold dear to my values more. That sounds a little ridiculous, but this is just how I work. And I lean toward liberal ideas and beliefs anyway. ;-)

All I want is a job. I cringe whenever someone at church walks up to me and asks, "How's the job hunting going?" with a big smile. I've gotten to the point where I just give it to them straight up (Paula Abdul reference!) I've started to respond truthfully now by saying, "It's getting really frustrating and no one will hire me. I'm getting pretty desperate." I've noticed no one really knows how to react to this.

It's kind of like the whole "How's it going?" situation. When you're asked "How's it going?", you ALWAYS have to say "Fine." Nothing more. If you say, "I'm ok...", you're opening a window of conversation that's possibly depressing and might take some time to get to the root. Haha, no one has time for this. "How's it going?" doesn't mean anything. It's just something to ask. It's polite. People aren't prepared for abnormal answers. Just say "I'm fine." and keep going. It's kind of funny if you think about it.

Not about my job situation though.

Uncertainty is my constant companion

2009-06-08T02:02:54Z

Dear Journal,

Being up here in Oregon doing some face-to-face interviews has really challenged me. I am literally putting myself out there for people to either reject or accept me as an employee of their school district. I have had my fair share of nervous moments in these interviews. I have also had some great experiences of confidence. It is a real growing process for me. I have not been hired by anyone yet, but I am trying to keep faith in the matter. Last week, I went to the Portland Temple to do a temple session; I needed to pray for guidance and strength. While I was in the Celestial Room, I was reading scriptures. I came across Mosiah 4:21 which says,

"And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another."

In all of my work trying to become financially independent from my parents, I seemed to have forgotten that no matter what happens, I am still dependent on The Lord. He is The One who provides when the time is right. This whole getting a job thing isn't like trying to go to college. For me, I was accepted into college on the first try. With this whole job situation, I have been rejected over 5 times. I literally have to work hard for this. I know I can be a good teacher. I also know the job market is hurting right now because of the economy. I guess it's a difficult time to graduate college no matter what profession you want to be in.

My worst fear is that I will not be hired by the beginning of the school year and I'll end up settling for a food service job just to not be labeled as a lazy post-college graduate. I did not go to college for that. This isn't how I expected it.

My Personal Thoughts

2009-06-01T05:40:37Z

Dear Journal,

I was going to share the personal testimony I have gained through my journey with SGA, but I don't even know where to begin. I thought I'd write down a couple points and briefly discuss it, but there's no brief way to write it all down. I tried to make it simple in my head so I could write in down in this journal of mine, but I just can't. It's too complicated. I can't pick a place to start. I still do not know everything. I am very confused on some things and I guess that's ok.

I just want to share that I do feel like I've grown closer to and more dependent upon The Lord for His strength and guidance. My personal beliefs may be difficult to explain and share, but I am grateful for people who are compassionate and patient with me for the life-long process I am going through. I am ultimately thankful that The Lord has patience with me. Without Him, I would be completely lost in this world. I would be a much different individual.

I've mentioned this song before, but Clay Aiken's "Lover All Alone" really sums up how I feel sometimes. I'll share the lyrics here, but if you'd like to hear the actual song, I am sure you can do a search on Youtube and find it quickly. :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe I've convinced myself I've really been in love
And I've been wrong all along
For all I know the feeling and the picture that I've tried so hard to find, isn't mine

Could be it's all just a waiting game
I want to share my everything

And on my own it's hard to tell my heart it will be alright
This love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be it's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love

Picking up the pieces makes me wonder if I only build it all to watch it fall
The faster it can go away it means the less of me is gone to stay and I'm ok

But lonesome tomorrow comes anyway
I'm alone for another day,
Another day

And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it will be alright
That this love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be it's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love

Maybe I've convinced myself I've really been in love
But I've been wrong all along

Today has just been a day of rejection

2009-05-26T23:10:50Z

Dear Journal,

So I received a letter in the mail being denied a teaching position near Portland. I was pretty ok with that, being as I have two scheduled follow-up interviews later this week. Well, I got an email about 10 minutes ago that said a position for one of the districts I had a follow-up interview with has been filled. This completely shocked me. It might be because I am new to the field of education, but I would think a district would uphold their commitments and keep their interviews that they have already set before making a decision about the job. This really hurt me. I had a travel itinerary and booked motels for this trip. I am leaving tomorrow!

I just don't understand it. I had a telephone interview with the HR Rep over the phone. We really connected and he seemed very excited to meet me. We set up a follow-up interview for later this week and then I get an email saying that the position has already been filled?

It's like I give them my heart as a gift and they step on it a couple days later.

This really hurts.

I need to pray.

Close to God

2009-05-23T05:29:37Z

Dear Journal,

I felt the need to take a walk outside this evening. As I started driving, I knew exactly where I wanted to go. I had taken that trip many times before, especially the few months before my mission. There's something truly serene about talking a walk downtown near the Delta at sunset. That part of town feels very timeless, like it has never changed. Humphrey's is still there. Boats gently rock to the rhythm of the tide. With the sounds of animal life all around and the occasional faint sound of laughter in the distance, I closed my eyes. Ahhhh, the breeze smelled of earth. I wanted to capture the moment in a bottle.

I took my place on an aged wooden bench. I remember I'd come here to be alone. To think. Maybe with all of the changes my life has brought, this is the only place that I feel has stayed the same.

As I stood up and walked the path back to my car, I let my hands run through the drooping branches of the willow trees. Then the thought came to mind, "Every living thing has a spirit." I felt very close to God at this time. Maybe that's all I needed.

Rejuvinated!

2009-04-30T23:12:04Z

Dear Journal,

I went back to BYU for my graduation ceremony. I felt so rejuvinated going back there. As I thought more about why I was feeling that way, I came to the conclusion that I was again in a place where the people around me were sharing the same morals and values that I hold dear. I found that my life decisions were validated by seeing others my age do the same. It felt really good.

I actually forgot that I felt that way. I guess it's what Annie Lennox says in her song Dark Road, "Seems you never realize a good thing 'til it's gone." Looking back at my college experience, I feel the most joy when I think of all the wonderful people I met. There was so much safety being constantly around people who feel the same way that I did. I made a personal reminder to find people that share those same values wherever I move to. I actually considered going to Institute. Yeah, whoa. I always say it as seminary for young adults. Well, be that as it may, if I am in a position where I need to find strong Latter-day Saints, I know where to go.

Living a Lie?

2009-04-16T21:40:11Z

Dear Journal,

Today, I was viewing some Youtube videos posted by LDS men who are gay. Sadly, most of them had negative experiences and have since left The Church. I suppose they all have valid reasons. I mean, if I went through some of those situations and were treated the way that they were, I'd probably do the same thing. I always try to put myself in other people's shoes, rather than being blindly judgemental by my own view. Hey, that might be a blessing for when I work with my students with disabilities.

I noticed that many of those men kept speaking of being "authentic" to themselves. Authenticity? Let's be honest, no one wants to feel like they're living a lie. These men felt like if they staying in The Church and lived a celibate life, they wouldn't be true to themselves. When asked why he chose a sexually-active gay lifestyle instead of a celibate one, one man simply said, "I just can't." Uhhhh, that was a pretty dumb answer in my opinion. This guy talked for literally an hour on finding himself and being authentic to his soul, but when asked about abstinance, he just simply said, "I can't."

"Can't" is a four letter word. When I hear someone say "I can't", I am really hearing, "It's hard and takes work. I don't want to make the effort, so I'm giving up." Now that I think about it, "can't" is a contraction for the word "cannot", which is actually six letters, but that's beside the point. TANGENT! The point I'm trying to make is that he gave a pretty lame excuse for breaking the law of chastity. "I just can't"? C'mon dude, think of something more profound than that. You gotta have a better reason. At the end of the day, I support those men and their decisions even though they're different than mine and some of them don't make sense. I mean, who am I to judge? I'm going through the exact same feelings, attractions, and decisions that they have. Just because I may make some different choices doesn't make me better than them and vis versa.

What they said got me to thinking though: Am I living a lie? Let me break this down. If I am living a lie, then I would have to be doing things and/or acting in a way that is completely opposite of my true self.

For example, if I chose to be a mechanical engineering major, that would be living a lie because I do not find it interesting. Ewwww, that just gives me the shivers thinking about it!

If I started dating women in attempts to appear heterosexual and be accepted by my fellow peers, that would also be considered living a lie because I am not heterosexual. I actually almost fell into this trap when I was at BYU. It's really easy to date just to try to be like everybody else.

If I changed my mannerisms to try to fit into the stereotypical "gay definition", that would be living a complete lie because I don't have all of those qualities. Random thought: It really makes me sick when I see other men actually *changing* their own mannerisms to try to fit snugly into the stereotypical "gay definition". Why are you starting to say the word "fabulous" around these gay guys when you didn't even mention it at all before? You look like a dork. Honestly.

If I denounced The Church's doctrine in order to life a homosexual lifestyle, that would be living a lie because I know it's true. I see many other people doing this, and that's totally fine! If it works for you, then go for it, but it doesn't work for me.

Million dollar question: If I stay in The Church, do not date women and stay single, am I living a lie?

Let me think. I am completely aware of my feelings for other men. I am not trying to decieve myself into thinking that these feelings are "just a phase" and that it will go away soon. I actually had this mindset for a year in college, but then realized it was garabage and threw it away. I embrace my feelings and take it as part of what I am. So I am not trying to date women and be someone who I'm not. I'm staying in The Church that I know is true. What am I lying about then?

I believe it's all about making choices for yourself, whatever it may be. If you think I'm brainwashed and that I'm trying to fight my homosexual attractions in a desperate attempt to become straight, well......I don't know what to tell ya. That's definitely not me. In reference to being celibate, I'm totally ok with that. Maybe you're not, but I am. I like a good challenge.

The Gift of Agency

2009-04-13T20:18:06Z

I was writing to one of my friends via Facebook about the pain that he is currently experiencing with his SGA. I thought my thoughtful response would be a good addition to this journal of mine. Hope you find some insight in it as well:

"When I was going to BYU, I would go to this monthly FHE for men dealing with SGA. I know many gay men who are happily married and have children. Some of these men chose to share their attractions with their spouse after they had been married for a couple years, while others chose to share it when they were dating. There are two different diecisions that I have seen many of these men make and both of them have their own consequences. Let me share both of them with you. Maybe they'll give you some perspective and insight.

The first one is when these men choose to share their feelings of SGA with their spouse, it is because they want to start dating men. This most often leads to divorce. Luckily, the people I know that have done this do not have any children yet. However, it is a decision that they made for themselves. They wanted to date men, though it is unfortunate that they realized this (or finally chose to act on it) after they were already married to a woman. Inactivity in The Church usually follows this route, since you obviously can't be actively living a homosexual lifestyle and have good standing in The Church. All in all this first type of situation creates a lot of emotional baggage for the man with SGA, whether he likes it or not.

The second one is when these men choose to share their feelings of SGA with their spouse, it is because they want a helping hand in carrying the burden. They are still personally commited to living The Gospel and staying in The Church. This is a decision that they made for themselves. Most often than not, the wife is devoted and willing to help their husband carry this trial. Actually, I know many couples who have been drawn closer when this occurs. This second type of situation not only eliminates the eomotional strain of single-handedly carrying this burden, but it also creates a stronger familial tie with the husband and wife.

In both of these situations, there is one thing that is clear. Both of them dealt with SGA and both of them used their agency. The men in the first situation didn't necessarily have "stronger" feels of SGA and that's why they chose to date other men. The men in the second situation didn't necessarily have a "stronger" testimony of The Church and that's why they chose to stay married in The Church. Both of the situations dealt with men who had SGA and were in a marital relationship. The deciding factor was how they used their agency.

I know it seems pretty simple, but it's undoubtedly true. I have learned that the men and women dealing with SGA always have to come to a crossroads of sorts. They need to ultimately decide whether or not they want to nurture their testimony in The Church or forsake it and date other men. Yes, it seems very unfair, but let's be honest. Everybody (whether SGA or not) has to make this decision. The only difference is that our decision is influenced by our feelings of SGA.

I have had to make this dicision. I have actually had to make it numerous times. One time, I chose to date men when I was at BYU. The consequences that followed, I learned, were not what I truly wanted for myself. I know other men who chose to date others men and leave The Church. This is a choice that they wanted to for themselves; it seems to work for them. I believe the same choice is not easy for everybody and I also believe that people can be more happy making one choice while another makes a different choice. This is ok.

It sounds like you're just at one of those crossroads again. It feels horrible and you probably wish it weren't there. I know I did. However, the choice still remians. What I did to make my choice was make a Pro/Con list comparing my life with The Church and my life with the gay community. This is the logical teacher-esque style in me. In addition to some other things, I finally made the decision to stay in The Church and not date men. I'm sure this decision is only temporary and I'll come to a point where I'll have to make the decision again.

Anyway, hope this message helps you see things a little more clearly. Yes, there is pain involved with our SGA. That's a given. However, I guarantee that the pain will subside and greatly diminish when you make the right decision for yourself."

Why I love David Archuleta

2009-04-08T07:21:07Z

Dear Journal,

I have been watching a lot of Youtube videos lately of David Archuleta. This wouldn't be the first time. Ever since American Idol last season, I have been so engrossed in everything that he does. In addition to his singing talent way beyond his years, he is also an active Mormon! What!? A Mormon singing mainstream pop music!? Move over Donny Osmond, David Archuleta has hit the scene and has staying power. Since I am such a devoted (and shall we say dorky?) fan, I pre-ordered his debut album off of iTunes and started listening to the songs even before it was finished downloading. I appreciate how he does not speak very well. He often has trouble getting his point across during interviews because he is not good with words. In this case, it reminds me a lot of Moses and how The Lord raised him up to be a prophet, even though he was weak in words. Moses had a spokesman to help him with his job. David also has something that speaks better than himself: his music! David is no prophet by any means, but when that boy opens his mouth and starts singing, you COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND what he is trying to say. One of the many reasons why I am amazed by music.

There is another reason why I am so interested in David. I think he deals with SGA. Please don't think I'm one of those crazy gay fans who's like, "David is totally gay and I'll prove it to you when I kiss those luscious lips of his on national television right in front of your face!" Let me be honest, even though that does get my brain to wander off on some exciting XXX thoughts, I have a different view on homosexuality and the often conflicting feelings it brings to people. I can see the signs in David. His body language says it all when he is asked about kissing a girl or having a girlfriend: he becomes visably uncomfortable. His eye gaze shifts, his answers trail off, and in one interview, he even started wringing his hands. He switches to the gender-unspecific "they/them" when asked what kind of girl he finds attractive. I know and understand what he is doing because I have done it many times myself and probably STILL do it on occasion.

In the words of David: Gosh.

I just wish the best for him. Being in the media spotlight makes some people do things they might not normally do. Celebrities "come out" when they probably wouldn't feel inclinded to do so if they lived normal, everyday lives. I say the word probably because we would never really know. Lance Bass *cough cough* Clay Aiken *cough* Ellen DeGeneres *cough cough* Rosie O'Donnell *cough* Hey, I could be coughing all day, folks! People have been talking about whether or not David's gay on the Internet for months now. Some are very derogatory, others are defensive. What has David done to deserve this? All he does is sing his heart out. They haven't started asking him about this directly in interviews (yet) because, no doubt, they don't want to upset "innocent David". But when they do, because nothing is too personal or sacred for Hollywood, I will be interested in his reaction and his response. Geez, I hope he has told his family about his feelings because he needs their support as a rock in his career now. He needs people to lean on.

Please don't think I'm looking into things more than I should. I'm not "seeing something that isn't there". I know these things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love David Achuleta because, for one thing, he is super talented with his voice and I thoroughly enjoy his music, but also because I know he is one of my brothers who deal with SGA.

Brother. There's that word again. I don't have a literal brother, but I feel this warm sensation of commonality when I use that word. My heart goes out to anybody dealing with this issue, brothers included.

My personal predicament

2009-04-07T20:37:35Z

Dear Journal,

I have been thinking more and more about my personal predicament with homosexuality and The Church. General Conference just ended last weekend. I usually become offended by something said during the Priesthood Session, but I actually enjoyed everything this time. Elder Uchtdorf gave a magnificent talk. I actually met him candidly at BYU a couple years ago when he was getting some ice cream. That was when he was a newly ordained apostle. That's always a fun story to tell. Anyways, his talk had an aviation analogy about a broken light bulb. He made the connection that we can "crash" and fail if we are too distracted by some of the minor details in front of us. This has significant meaning to me. Lately, I have been really confused and unsettled about some of the history of The Church. Please note that this does not include any doctrine. I have no qualms with doctrine, although I have a different interpretation about 1 Corinthians 15 and the degrees of glory cited in that chapter. I guess that's kind of critical though. TANGENT! Back to Church history. So some of Church History really irritates me. Enough said.

I know Jesus Christ lives. I feel The Spirit testify that to me when The Church speaks of Him. However, my testimony of The Church seems very ambiguous, almost like I am unsure it is even there. When I think about my membership in The Church, I feel.....comfortable. I understand the policies, vocabulary, culture, etc. Of course I would want to stay where I feel comfortable; it's what I was raised in. People usually (always?) get a comforting, warm feeling when they think of their childhood memories. You have emotions and friends tied to them! Everyone feels strong when they have a group of people surrounding them while saying, "I share the same feelings you do. Let's be strong together." Any institution, religious or otherwise, could conjure up those feelings.

I guess if I ever did decide to leave The Church (and I'm not saying that I will), those are the things that would make it difficult. I might say to myself, "If I don't want to be a part of The Church anymore, I must be denouncing the faith and good nature of all the wonderful people in my ward!" I might confuse those warm memories and feelings of my past with The Spirit and chicken out because I would be afraid of making a huge mistake. That's what I've been fearful of my whole life: making mistakes. This reminds me of a story.

BACKGROUND: Back in 2006 when I became determined to confront my gay feelings, I got in contact with The Matises who have a monthly FHE for "fellow strugglers". There, I met this guy named John. He's really cool and we actually exchanged phone numbers so we could stay in touch. About a month later, we decided to get together for lunch at the Museum of Art Cafe on-campus. I was very shy back then, so I was hesitant to share any ideas or feelings I had.

REASON WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS STORY: John is very intuitive and could tell I was feeling this way. He said something to me that I will never forget: "Gosh, you're so scared of messing up, but that's what the purpose of this life is all about! It's about making mistakes and learning from them. The Lord expects us to get battered and bruised on this journey, so why shouldn't we?"

Maybe its because I'm the oldest child that I feel this way. All I know is that there are countless LDS guys out there who are attracted to men and I am not the only one. I share the same feelings they do. Let's be strong together.

Dream

2009-03-24T20:13:35Z

Dear Journal,

Last night, I had another dream that I was wrapped in the arms of a man. I ran to him and we both put our arms around each other. We were both so happy. We must have loved each other very much because we were kissing frequently. When morning came, I slowly awoke. "What a strange dream." I thought. I sat up in bed, but I could still feel his body pressed against mine. It doesn't make any sense. When I was dating guys for a while, I felt very ashamed and unclean; I felt The Holy Spirit leave me. However, my dreams make me feel so serene and content; I feel that pure love that everyone yearns for.

This predicament seems very incoherent and I don't know why. If I physically know what dating guys does to me, why do my dreams show me a completely different reality? That's my rhetorical question for the day.

Inactivity?

2009-03-12T04:51:01Z

Dear Journal,

I can't believe that I am letting my homosexual feelings and sensitive nature raise the possibility of becoming an inactive memeber of The Church. I remember being a missionary and being completely confused as to why people wouldn't just take their names off of the Church records when they're obviously not in regular attendance. Now I understand. I can see that people can still believe that The Church is true, but because of some administration or personal issues, they don't feel comfortable attending the worship meetings.

I hate feeling this way. I have a lot of issues jumbled in my head, from hurtful words said by Church leadership, to past decisions by early Church leaders, to even a few doctrinal concerns.

Here's one choice I can make: I can stay completely active in The Church, believe everything including the shady, grey areas I misunderstand, or even settle for staying ignorant in those areas.

Here's another choice I can make: I can be an inactive member of The Church, be spiritual in my own way, and be selective in my beliefs.

Gosh, when did I start becomng a "cherry picker" with my beliefs? I'm just really hurt by the disheartening things I see The Church caught up in. It's leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

My sister

2009-02-02T06:27:34Z

Dear Journal,

I got in a quarrel with my sister yesterday over something really stupid. I thought we were just joking around and having fun, but then her additude completely changed. She blew something out of proportion, took it personally, and attacked. When she started to argue about it with me, I had to walk out of the room. I knew the whole routine. She would play her little mind games and push me into a corner, with me feeling like the bad guy. She would feel pride in her conquest of words. A woman with a quick mind always feels superior. I thought things were healing between us, but apparently it was, yet again, another bomb.

My relationship with my sister is probably the #1 reason why I am so fearful of marrying a woman, on top of my homosexual feelings for men. I am not physically attracted to women. That's a given. My sister does not help me in my perception of women. What if I am tied down in the bonds of marriage and my wife started acting exactly like her? I would have no way out. That is what my eternity would be like.

I shared my feelings with my mother. My sister is the only person in the world who I do not get along with. She is a total mental case. She always has to have the last word in an arguement. She always has to be right. I'm tired of it all. She says it will be different when we're older. They have been saying that for 20 years now. Things have not changed. I look back in my adolescent journals and the words "I Hate My Sister!" jump out off the pages.

My parents tell us that we need to get along. "You guys are brother and sister." they say. Sister. What does that even mean? I don't know how that word is suppose to feel. It only brings up painful feelings and hateful thoughts.When I move away and start teaching, I will be so happy to get away from her, just like I was in Utah.

She ridicules me for not staying in contact with her, but why would I want to do that when I feel:

-Scared
-On edge
-Weak
-Not good enough

when I'm around her? Why would I want to toment myself with that emotional abuse? I didn't talk to her for a year and a half and then I opened up again last Christmas. I've already tried the "no contact" thing. I'm running out of ideas.

Answer me that.